{1460}{1511}Since its debut,|True TV has brought you...
{1513}{1590}the finest in documentary|and informational programming.
{1592}{1652}You've counted on us,|and we've taken you there.
{1654}{1719}From the edge of the world|to the edge of your seat,
{1720}{1789}from the streets of L.A.|to the Serengeti Plain,
{1791}{1850}from inner peace to outer space,
{1852}{1925}your funniest moments|and most tragic times.
{1927}{2013}You've laughed, you've cried,|you've almost died.
{2015}{2079}But now we'll take you|where you've never been before.
{2081}{2172}No script, no actors, no editing.
{2174}{2235}All day, all night, all true.
{2237}{2314}Every second is true on True TV...
{2316}{2370}this spring.
{2435}{2497}So, any questions ?
{2525}{2565}Yes ?
{2567}{2637}l think we get that it's true,|but what is it ?
{2639}{2701}Cynthia, why don't you come up here ?|This is your moment.
{2703}{2783}Folks, this is Cynthia Topping.|She's the program director at True TV.
{2785}{2889}She's the one that's gonna be strapped|to a Scud missile if this doesn't work.
{2891}{3021}Thank you, Mr. Whitaker.|l've always wanted to travel.
{3023}{3142}- Yes ?|- lsn't this show similar to|a show P.B.S. had in the '70s ?
{3144}{3226}- The Loud Family ?|- No, no, this is completely different.
{3228}{3298}We are gonna--|We're gonna pick one person,
{3300}{3384}one, one normal person,
{3386}{3440}not like you folks.
{3442}{3579}And we're gonna put that person's life|on television all day long, live.
{3581}{3638}lt's not P.B.S.,|it's not Real World.
{3640}{3695}We're not gonna film it|and then edit it later.
{3697}{3765}ls that how l sound ?|l don't sound like that, do l ?
{3767}{3814}- More or less.|- On a good day.
{3816}{3860}You never said anything ?
{3862}{3942}- l don't mean to be negative here.|- Ooh !
{3944}{3999}Hey !
{4001}{4106}l know this was your idea, but doesn't|this have a great chance of being--
{4108}{4164}A big, smelly bomb ?|Oh, you betcha ! Yeah.
{4166}{4258}And wouldn't that be,|you know, a bad thing ?
{4260}{4347}Keith, we're getting our butts kicked|by the Gardening Channel.
{4349}{4395}People would rather watch soil.
{4397}{4516}We are this close to having|chalk outlines around our careers.
{4518}{4586}l love that we're doing this,|and l love that it's risky.
{4588}{4658}All anyone every does|in this business is follow the pack.
{4660}{4771}Hell, if people tune into this twice|a day for five minutes, we're a hit.
{4773}{4828}You know what finally|convinced me that this could work ?
{4830}{4881}Half a dozen wine coolers ?
{4883}{4951}When l realized that|the person we pick,
{4953}{5035}the guy that's on TV|all day long, doesn't have to be good.
{5037}{5139}- lf he's good, great,|but if he's bad, even better.|- Bad is better ?
{5141}{5233}People can't turn away from an accident.|You drive by and say,
{5235}{5302}''Ooh, l hope there's not|a head in the road. That would be--''
{5304}{5359}But then you look.|You don't wanna miss it.
{5361}{5433}So we put a guy on TV,|and we sit and wait and see...
{5435}{5505}if that head starts rollin'|down the highway.
{5507}{5556}Now that's fun|for the whole family.
{5558}{5698}- So, what's our next step ?|- We find ourselves|a big, fat rolling head.
{5739}{5811}Are you seeing this ?|Are you looking around you ?
{5813}{5888}God, you know what this is ?
{5890}{5972}This is a horror show.
{5974}{6031}- What are you going off|about now, John Boy ?|- This doesn't bug you ?
{6033}{6100}All our friends and|everybody getting married,
{6102}{6157}and are having kids|and their careers.
{6159}{6251}- Their kids are having careers.|lt's a mess.|- Why would that bug me ?
{6253}{6321}Look at us, right ?|We are doin' fine.
{6323}{6422}Oh. Okay.|You have a beer around your neck.
{6424}{6490}- Okay ?|- That's my point !
{6492}{6541}- Your brother's here.|- Hey, go long, man.
{6586}{6640}l'm gonna go say hi to Kim.
{6642}{6751}Yeah. Listen, that was great|tonight. l loved it. Oh, man !
{6753}{6800}- lnsane, Ray.|- What's goin' on ?
{6802}{6852}l'm tellin' ya, it's weird.
{6854}{6955}We meet, we go out and bing-bang-boom,|she's got me meetin' her parents.
{6957}{7009}What do you mean,|bing-bang-boom, buddy ?
{7011}{7083}You've been goin' out with her|for six months.
{7085}{7130}- Yeah ?|- Yeah.
{7132}{7201}l suddenly feel like|the walls are closing in on me.
{7203}{7326}You know ? The father is sittin' there|askin' me about my career prospects.
{7328}{7374}- What was l saying ?|- Can you believe that ?
{7376}{7433}Oh, at dinner,
{7435}{7500}the dog is sniffing my balls.
{7502}{7557}At least l hope it was the dog,
{7559}{7633}because her mother|disappeared for a while.
{7691}{7811}- What's goin' on over there ?|- They're doin' audition tapes|for that True TV thing.
{7813}{7871}People are sendin' 'em in|from all over the place.
{7873}{7954}- Oh, yeah ? That's cool !|- What's cool ?
{7956}{8043}- To be that guy,|that guy they watch all day.|- Get outta here.
{8045}{8134}Mark my words.|That guy is gonna be famous.
{8136}{8221}He'll be able to get|whatever he wants, whoever he wants.
{8223}{8273}Hey, trust me.|This is my business.
{8275}{8339}- What is ?|- Show business.
{8341}{8426}- You in show business now ?|- Yeah, l service video equipment.
{8428}{8566}That's like saying|those people stitchin' Nikes|in Panama are in the N.B.A.
{8568}{8631}Hello ?
{8633}{8677}- Bed-wetter.|- Thumb-sucker.
{8714}{8775}- You know what ?|l'm gonna go make a tape.|- You know what ?
{8806}{8837}l'm excited.
{8839}{8911}l know that l can do this.
{8913}{8959}lt's my turn.|l'm next, l'm next.
{8961}{9056}- Buzz, can l get one more ?|- You got it.
{9058}{9116}Hello there.
{9118}{9170}So Ray met the family, huh ?
{9172}{9231}Oh, yeah.
{9233}{9283}l heard the dog really liked him.
{9285}{9363}Yeah. The whole family loved him.
{9365}{9455}But of course, my whole family really|loved the last guy l went out with,
{9457}{9519}and he strung me along|for a year and then dumped me.
{9521}{9571}- Yeah ?|- Mm-hmm.
{9633}{9755}And, you know, every guy|l ever broke up with,
{9757}{9832}the minute it's over,|l could tell you what went wrong.
{9834}{9932}How it went wrong.|Why it had to go wrong.
{9934}{9984}But when l'm in it,
{9986}{10039}lost.
{10041}{10104}l'm like a love coroner !
{10106}{10187}Bring me the corpse,|l'll tell you what killed it.
{10189}{10258}But how to prevent it ? Lost.
{10318}{10411}Hi ! l'm Ray Pekurny !
{10413}{10554}l'm from here in San Francisco,|the greatest city in the world.
{10556}{10614}- Are you with me ?|- Yeah !
{10616}{10695}Go, Niners !
{10697}{10737}How are things goin' ?
{10739}{10814}Okay, l want to introduce you|to my girlfriend.
{10816}{10904}She's really cute, she's really cool,
{10906}{10979}and she's... really strong.
{10981}{11059}She's a U.P.S. person.|She lifts packages. Not beefy.
{11061}{11174}She told me this Joke. What do you get|when you cross U.P.S. with Fed Ex ?
{11176}{11258}Fed up ! lt's her Joke.
{11260}{11337}Oh, my brother, my brother.|Ed, yeah, come on.
{11404}{11489}- Say somethin', Ed.|- Asshole !
{11491}{11579}- Come on, man. Say somethin'.|- All right.
{11581}{11672}l don't know about this whole 24-hour|TV thing y'all got goin',
{11674}{11770}- but if you are gonna go forward|with it, this is your man.|- Smart guy.
{11772}{11827}The Ray-man here.|This guy's got stories.
{11829}{11898}- This guy has lived.|- l've got stories. l've lived !
{11900}{11964}- Tell 'em about that dog grooming|business you started.|- No, not that story.
{11966}{12051}- You gotta tell 'em about that.|- No, l don't really wanna--
{12053}{12099}l'm telling. Here we go.
{12101}{12153}- This guy ?|- Yeah, take a look at this kid.
{12155}{12208}He was gonna start up a mobile|dog groomin' business.
{12210}{12286}- He's cute. Yes !|- Really ?
{12288}{12342}- He doesn't wanna be|like everybody else.|- No.
{12344}{12441}He doesn't start it in a van or a pickup|truck or something like that.
{12443}{12571}- The Ray-man, he starts it in a Camry !|- Camry !
{12573}{12666}- Camry ! Two door.|- Camry.
{12668}{12714}So he gets a tub,|and he puts it in the trunk.
{12716}{12776}He throws the dogs in the tub, slams|the trunk and starts drivin' around.
{12778}{12895}Speeds up, stops real quick,|turns left, turns right|to get the dogs all sudded up.
{12897}{13009}Pretty smart, right ? Now, guess|how he dries 'em off. Guess.
{13011}{13047}With the exhaust !
{13085}{13177}What do you say ? We bring him in,|can't hurt. Just talk to him ?
{13179}{13283}Well, l'm from east Texas. Yep.
{13285}{13351}And when l was like 13,
{13353}{13464}my mom got remarried to my stepfather|who was a traveling salesman.
{13466}{13577}He got transferred up here to|San Francisco, so we all came along.
{13579}{13680}- Here we are, here l am.|- Mm-hmm. Terrific.
{13682}{13754}- Did you go to college or--|- l had a year of Junior college.
{13756}{13833}Home of the Bear Cats.
{13835}{13926}Oh, scary. What did you study ?
{13928}{14058}Studyin' ? Geez, that'd have been|a big help. Where were you then ?
{14060}{14114}That's cute.
{14116}{14193}- Straight ahead.|- What ? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
{14195}{14287}And as you see, l can get rid|of the Texas accent whenever l want.
{14289}{14373}Or l can Just slide...
{14375}{14456}real deep on into it like this.
{14458}{14531}How do you decide ?
{14533}{14640}To tell you the truth,|l find this accent here...
{14642}{14708}don't do me no harm|with the ladies.
{14761}{14825}Know what l mean, darlin' ?
{14893}{14947}Yeah.
{14949}{15007}No, never been married.
{15009}{15049}Um,
{15076}{15132}l've been burned|a couple times, though.
{15134}{15204}My father ?
{15245}{15363}Um, well, let's see. When l was 12,|my mom got a hysterectomy.
{15365}{15450}He ran off with her nurse,|and l haven't seen him since.
{15452}{15567}That's my dad, Hank Pekurny.
{15569}{15618}Next question ?
{15620}{15721}Like one time l was playin'|pee-wee football back in Texas, right ?
{15723}{15769}And l dislocated my finger.
{15771}{15819}My mom comes rollin' out of|the bleachers now...
{15821}{15868}and busts through this little|group of kids, grabs my finger.
{15870}{15921}Whack !|Pops it back into place.
{15923}{16027}Runs up, slaps the coach upside the head|and says, ''Let's get the game on !''
{16029}{16080}That's Mom.
{16118}{16211}Well, l still can't really|bend this finger, though.
{16213}{16259}Well.
{16287}{16331}Oh.
{16333}{16412}Uh, a dream ?|Oh, yeah, man, l got a dream.
{16414}{16509}l, uh, Just don't know|what it is yet, you know ?
{16955}{17049}Did you test him ?|Did you do any research ?
{17051}{17097}Research ?
{17099}{17159}We don't even have money in|our budget for coffee filters.
{17161}{17208}We're using a yarmulke.
{17237}{17284}But this is who you want ?
{17337}{17425}l'm going based on something you once|said at a broadcaster's dinner.
{17427}{17477}l love it. l love it !
{17479}{17525}You see what she does ?
{17527}{17622}See what she does ?|She attaches me to her choice.
{17624}{17673}Thereby fueling my massive ego...
{17675}{17721}and forcing me to like it.
{17723}{17790}You're great !|How come you never doodle my name ?
{17792}{17855}- l-l do.|- l'm Joking.
{17857}{17903}l'm Joking.
{17905}{17959}Once again.
{17961}{18020}This is the guy|you want to go with ?
{18146}{18193}Yes.
{18263}{18352}What happens when you go to|the bathroom ? Do they go in with ya ?
{18354}{18423}No, Al !|l mean, the bathroom's out of bounds.
{18425}{18467}Dinner's gettin' cold !
{18469}{18540}My life is not so great|that l want it shown on television.
{18542}{18588}And neither is yours, Ed.
{18590}{18683}- That's the whole point.|This could change all that.|- How ?
{18685}{18806}- Huh. Ha. l'm glad you asked.|l want to open a gym.|- A gymnasium ?
{18808}{18915}No. A gymnasium is an old, white guy|shootin' free throws like this.
{18917}{18966}l'm talkin' a modern-day|fitness center.
{18968}{19009}What does this have|to do with Ed ?
{19011}{19096}lf Ed is on TV for a month,|he gets a balloon payment.
{19098}{19137}That's big money.
{19139}{19219}l'd borrow against that right now|at the bank, l'd buy the gym,
{19221}{19269}l make Ed a silent partner,
{19271}{19357}and l cut all you in for a slice|because you signed the releases.
{19359}{19447}- This is gonna cost us.|- lt's not gonna-- Hey, look.
{19449}{19526}Open your eyes instead of your mouth|for once. This is a no-brainer.
{19528}{19634}The whole time l'm gonna|be promoting the gym on TV.
{19636}{19682}lt's free advertising.
{19684}{19747}l mean--|Does anyone else see this ?
{19749}{19809}How 'bout sex ?
{19852}{19923}Sorry, Al, but|l'm gonna have to pass.
{19925}{19996}And it's not an age thing,|'cause you are still a handsome man.
{19998}{20088}No ! Do they show you having sex ?
{20090}{20183}No, Al.|Look, kissin' and huggin'.
{20185}{20237}- Nudity ?|- Ed, you're not gonna be nude.
{20239}{20335}- Why would l be nude, Ma ?|- What kind of a show is this ?|lt's a filthy show !
{20337}{20415}-lt is not a filthy show.|-Have you even read the whole contract ?
{20417}{20494}- Do you even know what's in it ?|- Miss Cautious all of a sudden.
{20496}{20556}She meets a guy in a bar,|she's married an hour later.
{20558}{20665}- We didn't get married, we|Just thought we were married.|- Marcia, calm down, honey.
{20667}{20739}He's pickin' on me, and he's|bringin' up all kinds of issues.
{20741}{20841}- Married is married is married.|- Maybe this isn't a good idea.
{20843}{20887}What isn't ?
{20889}{20989}The whole thing. Maybe l'll Just|get out now before it gets complicated.
{20991}{21096}- No harm, no foul.|- Great. They had to pick you.|They couldn't pick me.
{21098}{21148}lf he doesn't want to do it--
{21150}{21268}lf he doesn't want to do it ? He's 31|years old, he's a video store clerk !
{21270}{21322}What is his grand master plan here ?
{21324}{21381}What, is he gonna spend|the rest of his life...
{21383}{21430}rearranging Ernest movies ?
{21432}{21506}Everyone who works there|is 12 years old.
{21508}{21591}They go through college, they graduate,|and then they stop working there.
{21593}{21688}Except for him ! He stays to welcome|the next batch of 12-year-olds.
{21690}{21747}lt's a Job for retards !
{21749}{21801}Ray, stop that !
{21803}{21864}- Was l being insultin' ?|- Uh-huh.
{21866}{21942}- Tch !|- Yeah, kinda.
{21944}{22016}- As usual.|- A fella can't--
{22018}{22093}All right, look, look. Hey.
{22132}{22198}- You don't have to be scared.|- l'm not scared.
{22200}{22298}- Don't be scared. You're scared, man.|- l'm not scared.
{22300}{22407}- l am not scared, Ray.|- l know you got that|doe-in-the-headlights look.
{22409}{22485}You're mixing your proteins|and starches, and you can't--
{22487}{22595}l'll tell you what. You don't|have to worry about anything.|You know why ? Huh ?
{22597}{22692}- No, why ?|- Because big brother's riding shotgun.
{22694}{22757}l've got your back.
{22759}{22843}Did anything ever happen to you when you|were a kid ? Anyone ever bother you ?
{22845}{22934}- Just you.|- Just-- Just me.
{22936}{22995}You bring those cameras over|to big brother, and l promise you...
{22997}{23068}l will make something happen|for both of us, for all of us !
{23334}{23418}You know, how many chances|do guys like you and l get ?
{23456}{23520}- l don't know.|- Yeah, that's right, you don't know.
{23757}{23864}Guys, when am l gonna get my on-air|feed ? All l'm gettin' are color bars.
{23866}{23957}Mike, loosen up a little bit.|Stand by to lose laser. Yeah, good.
{23959}{24005}T.O.C., we're ready to feed.
{24007}{24068}Carlos, show me where|you're gonna be when we go live.
{24070}{24180}There you go, right there. Go back up|a little bit. Okay, right there.
{24454}{24544}Guys, we're gonna go in ten, nine--
{24546}{24592}- Hold on, l'm coming.|- Has it started ?
{24594}{24653}- Good morning.|- Sorry.
{24655}{24762}Four, three, two,
{24764}{24816}and ready one, take one.
{24818}{24858}Shh.
{24860}{24921}There he is !
{24965}{25020}Not the best angle.
{25298}{25349}This is exciting.
{25351}{25417}Oh, my God,|is that what l think it is ?
{25419}{25482}- l think so.|- A little morning chubby.
{25484}{25540}Damn.
{25687}{25748}Oh, no.
{25992}{26038}Oh, honey.
{26040}{26124}- Don't do that.|- Pull it out, pull it out.
{26210}{26275}Well, that's embarrassing.
{26279}{26324}Morning.
{26432}{26542}- Microphone.|- Mm. Microphone.
{26605}{26665}Turn on the TV.
{26772}{26830}Morning.
{26832}{26878}l'm Ed.
{26880}{26926}There's that smile !
{27269}{27344}- Ow, ow, ow ! Hot !|- Whoa, an action sequence.
{27394}{27442}l kind of pieced this stereo|together, a homemade Job.
{27444}{27538}This is my wall of chrome.
{27540}{27618}l've been collecting those|since, like, 1973.
{27824}{27874}Oh, wow.
{27925}{28023}- What'd l miss ?|- He's checking out his own ass.
{28025}{28096}You gotta see this.|Oh, my--
{28098}{28176}Oh, my God !
{28178}{28233}Ohh !
{28531}{28573}Yeah
{28616}{28657}Hey !
{28717}{28769}All right
{28852}{28921}Come on, man, hop in.
{28923}{28984}Let's go !
{28986}{29098}l need a little time|to believe what's true
{29100}{29165}l don't know what's going on
{29187}{29240}Some days l'm stayin'
{29242}{29296}Some days l'm like a rollin' stone
{29298}{29359}The mast is down.
{29361}{29421}Let's go, Sam, let's go !
{29552}{29612}l can't take it
{29614}{29726}l'm thinkin' back so many faces
{29728}{29810}- My heart, my love--|- Hey, Ed ! Ed, up here !
{29812}{29889}Guys, film me. Yeah, hi !|Ed, up here !
{29891}{29950}Yeah !
{29952}{29999}Hey ! Hey !
{30001}{30074}Act like everything is normal.
{30076}{30117}Go, go !
{30299}{30352}What's up, Ed ?
{30405}{30505}- Guys.|- Welcome to work, Ed.
{30550}{30644}lt's good to be at work... Lou.
{30648}{30699}l've got Just what you need, boys.
{30701}{30816}The best tape in the whole damn store.|Smokey and the Bandit. Huh ?
{30818}{30878}- Who's in that ?|- Who ?
{30880}{30966}Burton Leon Reynolds, Jr.,|is in that, boys.
{30968}{31043}- Who ?|- Burton Leon Reynolds, Jr.
{31045}{31087}Get out.
{31089}{31146}You can't have this tape.|G-Go home !
{31148}{31207}Get your raggedy little|Steven Segal-lovin' asses outta here.
{31209}{31269}''Who is this ?''|lt's Burt Reynolds !
{31361}{31450}Burt. Burt rules.
{31452}{31503}Alice, why are we watching this ?
{31505}{31552}No reason,|l Just wanna see what happens.
{31554}{31663}Let me spare you the suspense. Nothing's|gonna happen. Trust me on this.
{31665}{31775}Which one of these albums|would you recommend ?
{31777}{31848}l gotta go with that. Yeah.
{31850}{31907}That's a good choice.|That's their first album.
{31909}{31983}- l think he's cute.|- Can't go wrong with the first album.
{31985}{32070}lt's like before they learned how to.
{32072}{32124}No, no, no.
{32126}{32201}You look at your husband, okay ?|l'm gonna make you say|my name tonight, woman.
{32203}{32267}Most people like to hurry|through a toenail clippin' session.
{32293}{32346}Just clip and git.
{32348}{32397}Not me.
{32399}{32480}l like to take my time.
{32513}{32579}l'm meticulous, you know ?
{32581}{32628}l like to do it.
{32630}{32676}Yeah.
{32678}{32750}lf this guy collects|his toe cheese, l'm outta here.
{32752}{32842}Some guys start here, then down|to the little toe. That ain't me.
{32844}{32947}l save the big one...
{32949}{32999}for last.
{33001}{33106}'Cause it's bigger. You gotta do|some work, you gotta be an artiste.
{33130}{33181}Look at that.
{33213}{33264}Oh !
{33266}{33348}No. No, l haven't seen|the spot ratings.
{33350}{33437}You know how you're watching the big|game and you gotta do your business ?
{33439}{33487}Right ?|The worst time to do it.
{33489}{33616}Yeah. That's a number that, hopefully,|we can obvi-- we'll build from.
{33618}{33720}l don't have to anymore.|Check that out. l designed this.
{33722}{33839}No, l disagree. l don't think|it's time to pull the plug.
{33841}{33907}Yes, Mr. Whitaker,|l know they shoot horses.
{33909}{33970}What do you see ?|What is that ?
{33972}{34044}That is the TV.|And where am l ?
{34046}{34136}l am on the can.|At the same time l am on the can,
{34138}{34184}but yet l am still a fan.
{34186}{34243}You know, it's been one day.
{34245}{34358}Can you give me a week with this guy,|and then you fly up my nose ? Hello ?
{34360}{34473}Somebody smart said,|''Practicality wins out.''
{34475}{34573}So, in this bathroom|l'm a... winner.
{34605}{34655}Yeah.
{34660}{34719}Five.
{34721}{34823}Six. Seven.
{34825}{34909}Eight. Nine !
{34911}{34985}Come on, Ray, she's not that heavy.
{35056}{35105}Yeah, yeah !
{35131}{35185}You shifted your weight.
{35187}{35251}l'm not hurt, l'm not hurt.|l'm okay.
{35253}{35335}Ray's Gym !|Now accepting applications !
{35337}{35430}- We want your body ! Ray's !|- Look what he did for me. Huh ? Huh ?
{35432}{35498}All right ! Oh, God !
{35500}{35551}Hey, John Boy !
{35553}{35638}What do you like about it ?|l don't understand.
{35640}{35758}l don't know. lt's Just that--|Well-- Just let me watch.
{35760}{35816}You're gonna love this.|This is a great story.
{35818}{35918}l got a great story. You remember|Marcia ? Of course, she's our sister.
{35920}{36011}She's goin' out with this new guy.
{36013}{36099}- They're livin' together.|- You want to save this till later ?
{36101}{36152}No, no, now's the perfect time.
{36154}{36257}He's a singer in a piano bar.|Sings, plays the piano.|And that's how they met.
{36259}{36342}- He sang to her and they fell in love.|- Not even, Buzz.
{36344}{36453}No. Get this. Some drunk hit him|in the head with a snifter.
{36455}{36507}One of those things|you keep on the bar for tips ?
{36509}{36560}You don't know, Buzz,|'cause you never get tips.
{36562}{36636}He hit him over the head 'cause he's|terrible, he's wretched, he's awful.
{36638}{36713}He's dreadful, he sucks,|l'm tellin' ya, right ?
{36715}{36813}That's what happened. She's pullin'|a chunk of glass out of his skull,
{36815}{36887}and he bleeds on her,|and that's all she needs !
{36889}{36940}Bing ! lt's amore, right ?
{36942}{37008}The question l'm askin' is:
{37010}{37119}What's she doin' in a bar ?|She's an alcoholic for Christ's sakes !
{37121}{37200}No, Ray, buddy, not here.
{37202}{37277}l gotta pee, l gotta pee.
{37347}{37408}Hey, what, are you hidin'|from the police or somethin' ?
{37410}{37497}Come on, show yourself.|Look, is she beautiful ?
{37499}{37557}She's beautiful, right ?|That's my girl.
{37559}{37645}While l'm gone, Edward, tell|'em about that time we lied to Mom...
{37647}{37702}and then went to TiJuana|to find the donkey show.
{37766}{37833}l got her, l got her.
{37887}{37986}- You are, though.|- What ?
{37988}{38054}Beautiful.
{38185}{38262}- Thank you.|- You're welcome. Yeah, bud ?
{38264}{38391}l'm taking a poll on whether or not|l should shave my head.
{38393}{38455}l've had about 19 beers,|so take that into account.
{38457}{38522}- Barry, did you see that ?|- What ?
{38524}{38599}- The girl. The look.|- Yeah.
{38601}{38683}She likes the Ed guy better|than she likes the brother.
{38685}{38746}l don't think l like it.|l don't think it's nice.
{38748}{38798}lt's a good set of hair|you got on your head now.
{38800}{38875}l've had about enough of this.|Give me the remote.
{38877}{38945}Just a few more minutes.|Read your book.
{39329}{39421}l wanna tell you a story
{39423}{39496}l wanna tell you about my town
{39498}{39593}l wanna tell you a story about people
{39728}{39782}Not this morning. Uh-uh.
{39784}{39861}Let's change topics. Does anybody|have an opinion, a viewpoint...
{39863}{39932}on something going on now|called Ed TV ?
{39934}{40034}Oh ! This is a new low point|in American culture.
{40036}{40102}You're being kind.|You're being way too kind.
{40477}{40540}Brushin' my teeth.
{40542}{40620}They never bothered|to pick a guy with any talent.
{40622}{40671}Or even anything to say.
{40673}{40750}They seem to celebrate|the fact that the guy's a boob.
{40752}{40830}Sort of a Joyous celebration|of boobery. That's what it is.
{40832}{40904}Take it easy.
{40948}{41059}- Hey, Ed, your show stinks.|- What a loser !
{41061}{41126}Hey, Ed, you want my autograph ?
{41143}{41194}Okeydokey.
{41378}{41426}Ten dollars ?
{41521}{41609}Listen, we had a deal,|you little eight-year-old bastard.
{41611}{41663}l'll tell you what.|Keep the dog.
{41735}{41792}Who is it ?
{41794}{41859}- Who is it ?|- lt's me, Ed, buddy.
{41861}{41943}Ed ? Just kiddin'. How you doin' ?
{41945}{41993}Good. You ready to watch the game ?
{41995}{42105}Actually, no. l'm a little bit sleepy.|l'm tired, exhausted--
{42107}{42166}What are you talkin' about being|sleepy ? Five minutes to tip-off.
{42168}{42223}lt's time for Rocket ball !
{42225}{42275}Ray, where do you keep|the glasses ?
{42277}{42410}Oh, Shari's here.|Why didn't you Just say so, huh ?
{42412}{42484}- Hi, Shari.|- Who's Shari ?
{42486}{42533}Who's that ?
{42612}{42658}Okay. Oh, God, oh, God.
{42660}{42727}- Want me to get that ?|- No, l got it. Ed, don't go, l--
{42729}{42805}Whoa, whoa ! Look at that !|Get in on that !
{42807}{42854}Oh, man !
{42856}{42923}You're being misled by|a manipulating medium called television.
{42925}{43031}- Let's get out.|- No, she's a homeless girl.|Ed, don't leave.
{43033}{43080}She was out on the street, so l--
{43082}{43198}She didn't have any clothes|or a place to stay, and l--|Honey ? Oh, shit ! Ed ?
{43200}{43275}What do you mean homeless ?|My place is better than this dump.
{43277}{43319}Dump ?
{43321}{43404}- What ?|- That was Shari on the phone.|She saw the whole thing on TV.
{43406}{43502}- l gotta tell ya, she's pissed.|- No shit, Ray. Who's the girl ?
{43504}{43596}The-- Come here a second.
{43598}{43668}She's the receptionist at the place|where l buy that gym equipment.
{43670}{43763}And she's a real knockout and a redhead|to boot, which l've never had.
{43765}{43812}And she's never given me|the time of day.
{43814}{43907}Suddenly, today she's all, ''Hey,|l saw you on TV, and you were great.''
{43909}{44017}And l'm all, ''You know, l Just made some|gingerroot gazpacho, come on over.''
{44019}{44065}The next thing you know,|ba-da-bing !
{44067}{44143}- l mean, l'm human.|- What do you mean? Why didn't you stop?
{44145}{44181}Stop ?
{44183}{44275}- Why didn't you stop ?|- l'm the guy. l don't stop !
{44277}{44347}That's the woman's Job.|We're the gas, they're the brakes.
{44419}{44537}- Go talk to Shari.|Honey, let him come talk to you.|- Why ? Why me ?
{44539}{44630}- Because you brought the cameras here.|- You brought the girl.
{44632}{44767}ls that the way it is ? You can't do me|that one little, simple favor ? Great.
{44769}{44824}Okay, l don't need|any favors from you !
{44826}{44893}Matter of fact,|P.S., go to hell !
{44969}{45015}Friggin' out of his gourd.
{45017}{45102}Ed, man, come on, you know|l really need this. l need this !
{45104}{45155}lf l go over there,|you know they're coming with me.
{45157}{45255}lf l go over, she's gonna put|my balls in a blender.|You know you would, honey.
{45257}{45354}All l'm askin' is Just go talk to her|and beg her. Beg her if you have--
{45356}{45490}Actually, honey, Just let him|come beg you. And you owe me.
{45492}{45538}- l owe you ?|- You know you owe me.
{45540}{45591}- l owe you. l owe you ?|- You owe me.
{45593}{45663}Yes, go !
{45665}{45764}l can't go on about this.|''l owe you, you owe me.''
{45766}{45884}Look, l have a guest. l'm bein' rude,|all right ? l'll talk to you.
{45886}{45929}Thanks, honey. Okay.
{46086}{46147}Yeah, yeah, Phil,|are you watchin' this ?
{46149}{46220}- Friggin' out of his gourd.|- You might wanna take a look.
{46222}{46288}- Jack, let's go. We're gonna be late.|- Shush.
{46290}{46366}- Don't shush me. Oh, shush.|- Shush ! Shush !
{46471}{46527}Hi !
{46529}{46593}Hi, l'm Rita.|l'm Shari's roommate.
{46595}{46641}Hey, Rita, l'm Ed.
{46643}{46728}- Shari knew you were|coming over because she saw.|- The cameras, yeah.
{46730}{46799}She really doesn't want you|and the cameras up here now.
{46801}{46914}Right. Ah, well, at least--|How is she doin' ?
{46916}{46977}l--
{46979}{47035}l gave her a drink.|l thought--
{47037}{47103}But she's not much of a drinker,|so it's made her a little...
{47105}{47168}- What do you want ?|- belligerent.
{47170}{47214}Hey, Shari.
{47216}{47279}Listen, l'm real sorry about all this.
{47281}{47336}Can l come up ?
{47338}{47393}Come on, Shari.
{47395}{47517}l know it's real awkward with the|cameras, but let me come say two words.
{47519}{47576}Shari, come on, would ya ?
{47578}{47638}l'm gettin' really wet down here.|Can l come up ?
{47670}{47747}All right, here we go, Carlos.
{47749}{47811}Just stay with him.|Stay with him.
{47813}{47859}Hang on, Mike.
{47861}{47926}- Ken, am l set ?|- You're hard-wired, Mike.
{48038}{48086}- Hi.|- Hey.
{48088}{48137}- Thanks for lettin' me up.|- Sure.
{48169}{48229}Hey, Shari.
{48231}{48314}- l'm gonna go to bed. Good night.|- Did l miss anything ?
{48316}{48367}Good night.
{48369}{48426}Hi, Mom.
{48556}{48598}Ray feels--
{48600}{48677}Don't defend|that horse's ass to me !
{48679}{48767}l'm not. l'm not|defending him, Shari.
{48769}{48859}l'm Just sayin',|maybe this is a good thing.
{48861}{48922}He got it out of his system, right ?
{48924}{48972}He knows it's not worth it.
{48974}{49075}- So one day if you two|decide to get married--|- Ha !
{49077}{49147}l've got news for you.
{49149}{49252}l never intended to marry him.
{49254}{49306}Why ?
{49308}{49372}Well, for one thing...
{49410}{49457}he's a bad lay.
{49577}{49638}l mean bad !
{49685}{49721}Oh !
{49723}{49781}You tell him !
{49818}{49870}Ah, you know that's terrible.
{49872}{49927}Oh, shit.
{49950}{50003}Hey, Shari--
{50005}{50051}You happy now, Ray ?
{50053}{50126}Listen, l think you're pissed-off|at him, and you're hurt.
{50128}{50186}And you're trying|to get back at Ray.
{50188}{50237}Don't you think ?
{50269}{50347}Yep, you're right. lt's me.
{50349}{50418}lt's me ! lt's always me !
{50454}{50557}l-- l go out with|all different kinds of guys,
{50559}{50635}and the same thing|keeps happening !
{50637}{50684}Look. You know what ?|See these magazines ?
{50686}{50778}l take these quizzes.|''How Are You At Relationships ?''
{50857}{50965}l cheat, okay ?|l look in the back for the answers.
{50967}{51043}Rita says men suck|and they should all die.
{51045}{51156}Then she eats a pound cake.|She's crazy, but she's not confused.
{51239}{51316}Me, l examine every little thing.
{51318}{51377}l'm Just like this.
{51435}{51488}- Shari.|- What ?
{51490}{51606}You're way too terrific of a person|to be doin' this to yourself. You are.
{51695}{51760}l mean, hey, l've told Ray|a couple of times...
{51762}{51861}l think you are one|of the best and smartest...
{51863}{51936}and most attractive women|that l have ever met.
{51938}{51986}l mean that.
{52119}{52176}- Really ?|- Yeah, really.
{52178}{52229}Really.
{52231}{52320}There is nothin' wrong with you.
{52322}{52393}Uh-oh.
{52616}{52665}Kiss him. Kiss him !
{52667}{52717}Don't do it, Ed.
{52776}{52824}Don't you kiss her.|Don't you kiss her.
{52944}{52977}God !
{53016}{53081}l'm nuts, huh ?|Hah ! l told him.
{53083}{53123}Yes ! Yes, l win !
{53125}{53229}Oh, Whitaker, you schmuck,|l am the golden goddess of television !
{53435}{53493}Oh, my God.
{53607}{53683}Yes, yes, you're on television.|You're on television !
{53685}{53757}Oh, my God.
{53759}{53826}Oh, God !
{53852}{53900}Oh, wow.
{53902}{53968}Listen, Shari ?|lt's okay.
{53970}{54063}l Just kissed my boyfriend's brother|on television ! How is that okay ?
{54065}{54120}When you put it that way,|no, it's not ideal.
{54122}{54166}- Please go. Go !|- Let's talk.
{54168}{54247}All right. We're outta here, guys.|Come on, she's right.
{54249}{54325}Son of a bitch.|What the hell Just happened ?
{54327}{54373}Hey, hey !
{54375}{54474}- Ed, you can't do this to me !|- We're locked out !
{54648}{54740}No, Carlos, you're killing me !|Just shoot the door.|l got Mike up on the roof.
{54742}{54786}l'm comin'.
{54848}{54905}What are we doing ?
{54953}{55044}- l've got to tell you something.|- What ?
{55046}{55137}- l've had a big thing for you|for months.|- Really ?
{55139}{55240}Yeah. l've been seeing you going out|with Ray and you bein' his girlfriend,
{55242}{55311}and the whole time l was wishing|you were my girlfriend.
{55313}{55365}See, me, too !
{55367}{55505}l am going out with Ray,|and all l can think about is you.
{55706}{55763}l treated you like a princess !
{55765}{55840}- This is so weird.|- Yeah, it is weird.
{55953}{55999}Oh, l gotta go.
{56430}{56481}! Uno mas ?
{56944}{56999}Ray ? Oh, hey, Al.|You seen Ray ?
{57001}{57063}- ls he around ?|- l'm on television !
{57065}{57149}Ray was here, but he left when|he saw you were comin' over.
{57151}{57216}- Shit.|- That was some night last night, huh ?
{57218}{57286}Yeah, it damn sure was, Al.
{57288}{57336}All right, how about Mom ?|ls she around ?
{57338}{57440}She's here in the bedroom.|l'd yell for her, but l'd die.
{57442}{57501}Don't do that. Mom !
{57503}{57636}l'm here, darlin'. No need to shout.|That's not how you were brought up.
{57638}{57703}Mom, what are you doin'.
{57705}{57786}Hello, everybody.|Welcome to my home.
{57788}{57841}- Blanche DuBois lives.|- Mom, Mom.
{57843}{57934}l'm looking for Ray. l've been calling|him. He won't call me back.
{57936}{57997}How could you do something like that ?|Your own brother's girlfriend.
{57999}{58052}lt's not all my fault.|He cheated on her.
{58054}{58162}- lt was a mistake.|- Yes, it was a mistake.|Do you know where he is ?
{58164}{58231}No. Maybe he's watching.
{58233}{58307}Tell him you're sorry. Tell him you|will stay away from that girl.
{58309}{58380}No, Ma ! And that girl|has a name, okay ?
{58382}{58467}What, do you love her|or something ?
{58469}{58525}- Come on, Al.|- Look at that red face.
{58527}{58577}l had a car that color.|A Buick !
{58579}{58625}Aren't you excited ?
{58627}{58696}- He practically said|he loved you on television !|- l know.
{58698}{58777}Hi, girls. Hi.
{58932}{58990}Take my picture.|Here, take my picture.
{58992}{59097}l gotta go to work.|You understand that ?
{59149}{59221}l am really gonna|get hurt this time.
{59223}{59313}Here we go, girls.|l'm goin' to work. Bye.
{59315}{59387}Yeah, Doc,|l stopped payment on the plugs.
{59389}{59447}You gave me doll hair !
{59449}{59496}l'll hold.
{59591}{59659}-Okay, now l'll tell you something else.|-Yeah.
{59661}{59762}- The old guy in the wheelchair,|the stepfather ?|- Yeah.
{59764}{59826}They're gonna have him die.
{59857}{59929}That was Whitaker on the phone.
{59931}{60045}l'm gonna have to scrub my ass|because he's on his way over to kiss it.
{60083}{60144}Ed, bring it on in, buddy.
{60146}{60218}That's right, come on.
{60250}{60331}A little further. Come on.|All right, perfect, man.
{60365}{60441}- l got my own parking spot now ?|- lt's all for you, Ed.
{60443}{60515}- How's it going, man ?|- Good, Mark, how are you ?
{60517}{60592}- Thanks, man.|- Ed, you're the best, man.
{60594}{60643}-Hi, Mom.|-Saw you last night. Lookin' good, man.
{60645}{60699}Hi, Ed.
{60701}{60763}Ray ! Man, l've been|lookin' all over for you.
{60765}{60834}Listen, l know l got|some explaining to do.
{60836}{60897}Just let me do|what l came here to do.
{60899}{60946}What, do you want to fight ?
{60995}{61062}Cassie. Cassie, come on.
{61064}{61122}- This is really hard.|- You promised.
{61124}{61227}- What are you doing, Ray ?|- Go ahead.
{61229}{61332}l went out with Ray|a few years ago...
{61334}{61383}for a couple of months,
{61385}{61448}and we were intimate.
{61483}{61607}And... he's really not as bad|as that girl said he was.
{61609}{61689}- l mean, l've definitely had worse.|- That's enough.
{61691}{61762}l think we did what we came here for.
{61764}{61845}- Good-bye, brother.|- No, no, come on, Ray !
{61847}{61880}Vindicated !
{61882}{61969}Ray, what are you--
{61971}{62018}l'm in the bathroom. Go ahead.
{62020}{62069}Sorry we're calling so late.
{62071}{62168}- lt's this is the only time we|get to talk to you off camera.|- lt's cool, Cynthia, l was up.
{62170}{62226}Ed, why didn't you go|see Shari today, man ?
{62228}{62322}- That's what everybody|was hoping you'd do.|- l wanted to, but--
{62324}{62429}ls it about Ray ? Because Ray is|not a problem. He cheated on Shari.
{62431}{62518}That's right, Ed. Viewers don't like|Ray. The research says females--
{62520}{62605}No, hey, guys,|it's not Ray. Okay ?
{62607}{62691}- Cynthia ?|- Yes, Ed ?
{62693}{62767}You got a second ?|Can l talk to you alone for a second ?
{62769}{62871}Absolutely, yeah. Why don't you guys|take off ? l'll see you in the morning.
{62873}{62944}- Okay, see you later.|- All right, l'll see you later.
{62946}{63017}Good-bye. All right.|See you later.
{63052}{63099}Ed, how's it goin' ?
{63101}{63219}l'm good, you know ? l'm, l'm good.|Everything's-- Everything's cool.
{63221}{63289}Did you decide you don't|really like Shari that much ?
{63291}{63375}No ! N-N-N-No !|Listen, that's not it at all.
{63377}{63465}l like Shari plenty.|Shari is-- Oh, man.
{63467}{63545}- Shari's great.|- Yeah ?
{63606}{63667}Look, Cynthia,|how's this gonna work ?
{63669}{63772}What, are we gonna date on TV ?|She's not gonna like that.
{63774}{63865}- lf you don't call her, you're|not really giving her a choice.|- Okay.
{63867}{63920}- Ed ?|- What ?
{63922}{64031}- Can l give you some advice|about women ?|- Sure.
{64033}{64113}Women want to be pursued.
{64115}{64165}Yes, but--
{64167}{64217}- Ed ?|- Huh ?
{64219}{64277}What would Burt do ?
{64617}{64720}This is so exciting.|A real celebrity delivering my figs.
{64722}{64789}Yeah. Okay, if you would|Just sign right here, please.
{64791}{64893}Ray's a pig. That Ed is a doll.|Latch onto him, honey.
{64895}{64954}Okay. Just sign right there|in the black area, please.
{64956}{65067}lt wouldn't kill you to use more makeup|on television. You look washed out.
{65069}{65142}- What would l actually have to do|do get you to sign this ?|- Uh-huh.
{65144}{65235}On television a minute,|and already you got an attitude.
{65261}{65309}- Bye-bye.|- Bye-bye.
{65381}{65421}Hi.
{65423}{65527}- What are you doing ?|- l missed you.
{65529}{65585}Really ?
{65587}{65638}l--
{65781}{65846}Wow. l've never seen you|in uniform before.
{65848}{65894}Yeah, well--
{65896}{65984}lt's really quite a turnoff.
{65986}{66027}Thank you.
{66029}{66122}Listen, Sunday night|at the Sharks game,
{66124}{66171}l'm gonna be driving the Zamboni.
{66173}{66237}- The what ?|- That big machine that cleans|the ice, you know ?
{66239}{66357}lt's quite an honor.|Will you go with me ?
{66514}{66595}Say, look, l know|this is weird, Shari,
{66597}{66687}but l don't want to wait.
{66689}{66735}l don't.
{66737}{66809}l really think we might|have something here.
{66834}{66881}Don't you ?
{67035}{67109}- Oh, these are for you.|- Thank you.
{67165}{67213}So will you be my Zamboni date ?
{67215}{67269}Huh ?
{67290}{67348}- Yes.|- All right.
{67481}{67598}- Cynthia, this is great.|This is incredible !|- lt's perfect.
{67600}{67645}Yeah, well.
{67714}{67815}Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Pekurny !
{67817}{67865}Whoo !
{67867}{67917}Whoo !
{67982}{68068}Where's my girl ? Where's my girl ?|There she is !
{68070}{68121}Shari !
{68169}{68257}Let's go, Ed !|Let's go, Ed !
{68525}{68571}There are girls
{68573}{68626}Just ripe for some kissin'
{68628}{68674}And l mean
{68676}{68737}To kiss me a few
{68739}{68844}Man, those chicks don't know|what they're missing
{68846}{68906}- Ow ! Don't kick me in the shin.|- Don't make fun of him !
{68908}{68958}Living to do
{68960}{69037}Sizzlin' steaks all ready
{69039}{69083}For tastin'
{69085}{69196}And those Cadillacs|all shiny and new
{69234}{69297}Oh, my God, Ed, look !
{69354}{69403}Got a lot of living to do
{69461}{69508}Hey, it's Ed !
{69566}{69629}Good evening, Ken.|How's it goin' ?
{69631}{69747}How's it goin' ? The girl l'm seeing|is dancing with that guy right there.
{69749}{69796}Good night.
{69798}{69863}Oh, my God, it's Ed !
{69865}{69924}- Eddie !|- You're the man, Ed !
{69926}{69986}My man Ed ! Ed !
{69988}{70035}Look at this.|How cool is this ?
{70037}{70131}He's a Beatle. Well, he's not|a Beatle, but he's a Spice Girl,
{70133}{70178}or a Beanie Baby.
{70180}{70249}He's Menudo !
{70251}{70330}Hey, Shari, lucky lady !|l want to be on TV with you.
{70332}{70393}Look over there at that monitor.
{70395}{70445}- Stop it !|- Who do you think you are ?|Just take a picture.
{70518}{70586}Shari !
{70588}{70655}Move, move, get out of the goddamn way !|Come here ! Come here !
{70657}{70726}Shari !
{70728}{70790}Hold on, l got you. Back off !
{70792}{70892}l got you. Back, back !
{70894}{70941}You okay, baby ?
{70986}{71011}Okay, we're gonna take a break now.|Just take five.
{71182}{71242}Are you okay ?
{71244}{71300}Oh, wow. You went down.
{71302}{71359}l lost an earring.
{71361}{71424}You think you can go out|and get it ?
{71426}{71530}- Yeah, l'll get it.|- No, l'm Just kidding.
{71532}{71617}-You're kiddin'?|-Just kidding. Would you really do that?
{71619}{71711}Yeah, l'd do that.|l mean, if you wanted... your earring.
{71713}{71839}l didn't wanna make a scene
{71881}{71962}But you were there
{71964}{72049}l saw you slip away
{72051}{72133}You were everything good to me
{72224}{72289}l saw you slip away
{72291}{72388}You were everything good to me
{72390}{72467}Oh, wow, that's|the new camera truck, huh ?
{72469}{72533}Look at my enormous head.
{72539}{72609}Anyway, Cynthia,|last night, that was scary.
{72611}{72696}Don't worry about that.|That won't happen again.|We're getting you security.
{72698}{72764}- Good.|- l have some news for you.
{72766}{72892}- What's that ?|- We're picking up Ed TV|for another month.
{72894}{72939}Say that again.
{72941}{72985}We're picking you up|for another month.
{72987}{73062}That means a balloon payment|and a big raise next month.
{73064}{73126}Are you tellin' me|that the balloon payment,
{73128}{73179}- l'm gonna get that ?|- Yeah.
{73181}{73228}Oh !
{73262}{73309}Here we go.
{73354}{73419}Thank you ! Oh, man,|this is incredible.
{73421}{73471}This is amazing !
{73473}{73547}Yes ! Another month|and a balloon payment !
{73549}{73596}Ray, if you're watching--
{73598}{73653}- Who the hell'd be watching this.|- Did you hear this ?
{73667}{73751}l got the payment, buddy. This money's|for you ! To pay back that loan !
{73753}{73811}lt's for you, brother ! Come on.
{73813}{73914}What do we do when we're happy ?|Chicken dance, baby.
{73955}{74019}Come on, l know you're doin' it|wherever you are.
{74021}{74072}lf l was doin' it,|l wouldn't do it like that.
{74074}{74140}l'm on for another month
{74230}{74289}Faster
{74318}{74382}Fingers start shakin'
{74457}{74520}Everybody back up, please.
{74610}{74666}Please, clear a path to the car.
{74668}{74709}Get off, man.
{74889}{74974}Four weeks ago, no one in America|had ever heard of Ed Pekurny.
{74976}{75035}Today this 31-year-old|video store clerk...
{75037}{75147}has become something of an American|icon, a national obsession.
{75149}{75205}Honestly ?
{75207}{75290}l try not to go to the bathroom|until Ed goes to the bathroom...
{75292}{75343}so l don't miss anything.
{75345}{75468}- The idea Just came to me.|- Sure, it came to you|because l brought it to you.
{75470}{75565}l'm not a-- l'm not a guy who works|by committee. l'm a one-man show.
{75567}{75618}What do you guys|think about Shari ?
{75620}{75666}She's needy !|l don't like her.
{75668}{75729}She's too tall.|lt's, like, abnormal.
{75731}{75825}Yeah. She creeps me out.|She's always, ''Get away !''
{75827}{75873}l mean,|who does she think she is ?
{75875}{75926}l know !|And she's so bony !
{75928}{76006}Like to me, this Shari's|like nothing, right ?
{76008}{76083}She's not even hot.|l mean, Ed's a celebrity.
{76085}{76144}lf that was me,|l'd be dating the goods.
{76146}{76226}There's like something wrong with her.|She's definitely not hot.
{76228}{76278}Not hot, not hot. No way.
{76280}{76326}She is a heat-free being.
{76376}{76431}Hello ? Hi, here you go.
{76433}{76459}Oh, hi, yeah. l've been|waiting for this. Thank you.
{76476}{76543}- Y'all watching Ed TV, right ?|- Sign right here, please.
{76545}{76649}What's up with Shari ? Ed's girlfriend,|Shari ? What is up with that bitch ?
{76651}{76711}Ed, honey, look,
{76713}{76802}when you get tired|of that skanky ho,
{76804}{76853}come see me, baby.
{77129}{77179}Check out the moves !
{77181}{77223}Watch this one.
{77225}{77294}Oh, she's down.
{77296}{77342}Get outta here.
{77344}{77373}Shari !
{77375}{77421}Whoo !
{77423}{77465}Hi.
{77467}{77552}Come pile on !|Set down the groceries.
{77612}{77658}Come here !
{77660}{77717}Where're you goin', baby ?
{77763}{77834}No, we're not gonna|do it today, Shari.
{77836}{77951}- l'm gonna go get ready.|- Baby ! Hey, is everything all right ?
{77953}{78030}My truck broke down,|and l got stuck in the rain.
{78032}{78115}l called the company,|and no one came to get me.
{78117}{78163}- Rita !|- Just a second.
{78165}{78293}- Don't they give you a hat ?|- Some dorky kid stole it as a souvenir.
{78295}{78351}That sucks.
{78353}{78460}l'm kinda glad that he did,|'cause, goddamn, you look sexy.
{78522}{78589}Ed, l don't wanna be|on television anymore.
{78669}{78713}Shari, how's that gonna work ?
{78715}{78767}l have been trying, okay ?
{78869}{78951}But maybe we should Just|hold off on seeing each other...
{78953}{79072}until you are done|with all of this.
{79158}{79214}You're outta there, baby !|All right ? Yeah !
{79216}{79268}l knew it was gonna happen !|l told you !
{79270}{79342}- That's a little extreme, isn't it ?|- l can't take it anymore.
{79344}{79443}- l have no privacy.|- Oh, boo-hoo.
{79445}{79527}Even now l'm crying, and l can't stop,|and they won't leave.
{79529}{79580}And now it's gonna be|another month !
{79582}{79665}- Everybody hates me.|- Nobody hates you. Why are you--
{79667}{79722}- Who hates you ?|- A poll, Ed !
{79724}{79802}U.S.A. Today:|''ls Shari Good Enough For Ed ?''
{79804}{79871}Seventy-one percent|of the people said no.
{79873}{79936}Who cares about what they say ?|l don't care.
{79938}{80027}No, l do care. You know what ?|Shame on everybody !
{80029}{80100}She's cryin' over here,|and it's all your fault.
{80189}{80287}- Twenty-nine.|- Twenty-nine percent.
{80289}{80375}You're smart !|lsn't she smart ?
{80377}{80440}God, she's sexy with|the wet hair and everything.
{80442}{80488}And she's funny.
{80490}{80595}She's really funny, too.|She really is !
{80597}{80723}Oh ! Shari, do that, that Love Coroner|skit you did at the pool hall.
{80725}{80824}lt's so fucking great. lt's great.|Okay. Okay, baby ? Set ?
{80826}{80875}Back up, get a wide shot|of this, okay.
{80877}{80925}All right, baby, remember--|Whoo-whoo-whoo.
{80927}{80997}That's the punch line, all right ?|You got a whole runway.
{80999}{81078}Are you set to pop ?|Ones and twos and-- Look right here.
{81201}{81295}What... are you doing ?
{81297}{81352}Do the thing.|Do the skit, you know.
{81354}{81433}You want me to entertain|your audience ?
{81498}{81560}What is this, Ed ?|An audition to be your girlfriend...
{81562}{81639}because l'm not good enough for you ?
{81641}{81738}No ! Shari, that's not it !|Come on, Shari !
{81740}{81848}-Psycho chick.|-Damaged goods, bro. Do not accept, man.
{81850}{81927}Man, this is stupid.|''ls Shari Good Enough For Ed ?''
{81929}{82006}Who the hell am l, huh ?|Who do you think l should be dating ?
{82008}{82053}There's a list !
{82087}{82133}Really ?
{82389}{82435}Ed ?
{82515}{82561}Goddamn.
{82563}{82610}The whole Shari thing,|is that over ?
{82612}{82677}You gonna be showing up on the History|Channel ? What's happening ?
{82679}{82769}- Well, no, we're on hold.|- On hold ?
{82771}{82837}ls she a phone call ?|ls she listening to Yanni music ?
{82839}{82911}You're gonna get back to her ?|Who puts a woman on hold ?
{82913}{82997}We're gonna wait till this is over,|and then we're gonna pick it back up.
{83045}{83091}l guess this is the famous Carlos...
{83093}{83139}who follows you everywhere ?
{83291}{83337}Aiyee !
{83339}{83424}What l want to ask you,|what is this chicken dance ?
{83426}{83475}Y'all know the chicken dance ?
{83517}{83569}Okay, so let's do it !
{83571}{83641}Have l got it ?|ls this how you do it ?
{83643}{83739}- No, you gotta get your foot out.|- This is a lot of fun.
{83741}{83831}Ed Pekurny ! We'll be|right back after this.
{83936}{83982}Hey, can l have another hat|for my dad ?
{83984}{84030}- l've got your car ready right here.|- Cool.
{84032}{84107}- Can you get us sodas for|the ride to the airport ?|- Yeah. Coke or Pepsi ?
{84109}{84183}- Uh, Pepsi.|- Can l talk to you for a second, man ?
{84185}{84244}- Yeah. What's up ?|- My name is Shane.
{84246}{84317}- How you doin' ? What's this, man ?|- This is a tape of my band.
{84319}{84417}l thought maybe|you could play it on your show.
{84419}{84511}- Oh, man, come on.|- One of the guys is blind.
{84547}{84627}All right, l'll give it a listen.
{84629}{84687}The name of the band is|''Not All Of Us Can See.''
{84689}{84735}- Terrific name.|- ''Not All Of Us Can See.''
{84737}{84819}''Not All Of You Can See.''|What the hell is that ?
{84821}{84867}For the love of sweet...
{84869}{84960}- Jesus Christ !|- Really.
{85105}{85151}- Hi.|- Hi.
{85153}{85227}Um, l wanted to say|l really love your show.
{85229}{85275}- l think you're great.|- Wow. Thank you.
{85277}{85343}That's a really cool thing|to say. l'm Ed.
{85345}{85405}And you must be... John ?
{85444}{85505}l-- l'm trying to remember.
{85507}{85623}- Oh, yes.|- l'm Jill. l'm from San Francisco too.
{85625}{85729}Right. The Bay Area.|l can tell by the accent.
{85806}{85880}Ta, ta, ta, ta.|Ya, ya, ya.
{85882}{85959}- Ya, ya, ya.|- Uh, l'm Just Joshin'.
{85961}{86008}So, wh-- what are you|doing here ?
{86010}{86092}l Just flew down|to audition for a skit.
{86094}{86156}All right.
{86158}{86251}l'm a model and|sort of an actress, so, um--
{86253}{86363}Um, oh-- So really,|it was nice meeting you.
{86365}{86439}Oh, yeah.|No, you too. Um--
{86441}{86563}They were supposed to send a car|to take me to the airport, but, um--
{86565}{86625}l'll tell you what. We gotta--
{86627}{86688}We're going to the airport right now.|Got a limo outside.
{86690}{86736}Why don't you ride with us ?
{86738}{86795}Oh. Yeah. That'd be great.
{86797}{86851}- Thanks.|- You're welcome.
{86853}{86920}All right.
{87004}{87033}But that's life
{87115}{87161}What the people say
{87163}{87245}Excuse me.|Comin' through.
{87247}{87319}- We're ridin' high in April|- Take all you want. lt's free.
{87321}{87374}Shot down in May
{87376}{87429}Tawny.
{87431}{87503}Huh. Hey, Carlos.
{87505}{87571}These go in the nude picture pile.
{87573}{87621}What do we got here ?
{87677}{87725}Oh, this is cute.
{87727}{87785}This goes in|the psychopath file.
{87787}{87844}Oh.
{87846}{87915}Hope it's not this guy.
{87917}{87956}Be right there !
{87958}{88032}Hello. Hey, Moe,|what's goin' on ?
{88034}{88113}Ed, this guy says he knows you.
{88115}{88183}- Hey. How you doin' ?|- Hey.
{88325}{88379}You don't recognize me ?
{88381}{88437}Dad ?
{88439}{88500}Yeah. Yeah.
{88571}{88656}- Did you do this ? Did you|find him and tell him--|- No, no way.
{88658}{88723}Come on-- Come on in.
{88725}{88775}Yeah, okay.
{88777}{88816}Goddamn !
{88818}{88907}- Everybody, this is Hank, my dad.|- This Just keeps getting better.
{88909}{88979}What you're sayin', Ma, is that|everything he told me yesterday...
{88981}{89064}- was a lie.|- Yes... practically.
{89132}{89181}What do you mean,|''practically'' ?
{89183}{89253}Either you threw him out|or he ran away. Which one is it ?
{89255}{89301}l need to replace the coil.
{89303}{89363}He ran away after l threw him out.
{89365}{89431}- How much is one of those new coils ?|- A hundred fifty bucks.
{89433}{89480}- He was telling the truth.|- Should l go ahead ?
{89482}{89560}- Yes.|- Yes to me, or yes to the coil ?
{89562}{89636}- Both.|- Oh, shit.
{89638}{89743}- Look, he had girlfriends.|- He told me he had this one girl.
{89745}{89847}l really do not need to relive this on|national television. l am your mother.
{89849}{89907}- Yes, you are my mother.|- Do not humiliate me like this !
{89909}{89984}- l'm not trying to humiliate you.|- l don't need this ! Go away !
{89986}{90033}Eddie ?
{90035}{90158}Make this out to Dr. Rumpley.|Maybe the son of a bitch won't|keep me waiting for an hour.
{90160}{90219}Damn neurologists think|they run the world.
{90221}{90291}She does this every time.
{90293}{90369}- All right, do you want|to know the truth ?|- Yeah.
{90371}{90480}l took you, Ray and Marcia to my|sister's on the train for the weekend.
{90482}{90599}You all came down with chicken pox,|so l took you home a day early.
{90601}{90663}And l walked in,|and there was your father...
{90665}{90735}with another women|in our bed, okay.
{90737}{90822}Chicken pox.|l was six when l had chicken pox,
{90824}{90927}- and Dad didn't leave until l was 12.|- Well, he apologized.
{90929}{91002}- What do you mean, he apologized ?|- He begged me.
{91004}{91056}He got down on his knees|and he begged me.
{91058}{91121}But, Mom, you told me|that you had a hysterectomy,
{91123}{91189}and that he ran off|with your nurse.
{91217}{91265}She could've been a nurse.
{91267}{91343}- What do you mean,|could've been a nurse ?|- She had white shoes.
{91345}{91429}So does Grandma !|So does Shaquille O'Neal !
{91457}{91504}- That's good.|- What's the difference ?
{91506}{91576}The difference is that for 20 years|l've been thinking one thing,
{91578}{91668}- and now it's turned out|to be a whole different thing !|- Eddie.
{91670}{91775}He was no good to me.|Don't you remember the way it was ?
{91777}{91855}Don't you remember the way|he used to scream at me ?
{91857}{91921}And then no Job was ever|good enough for him.
{91923}{92017}''Small potatoes.''|You remember, Al ?
{92073}{92143}Al ?
{92281}{92327}Mom,
{92329}{92427}you told me you didn't know Al|until after Dad left.
{92509}{92561}Holy shit.
{92625}{92676}You and Al were--
{92706}{92799}And that's why you threw Dad out.|There it is !
{92801}{92879}Finally the truth|after 20 goddamn years, Mom ?
{92881}{92943}He had another woman|in my bed, Eddie !
{92945}{93064}And how dare you call him ''dad''|in front of Al. Al is your father.
{93066}{93145}This is the one who was there for you|when you really needed someone.
{93147}{93220}Ow ! You're hurting me.
{93222}{93275}Oh, Jeanette.
{93277}{93324}Oh, Mom.
{93377}{93479}Don't blame your mother.|l was irresistible.
{93732}{93778}Well, come on in.
{93780}{93833}How are you doin' ?
{93835}{93910}- All right.|- All right. Well--
{93912}{94004}- You ?|- Yeah, yeah. l'm, l'm fine.
{94049}{94113}l guess you came up here|to check on your inheritance.
{94115}{94167}Did ya ?
{94204}{94286}Come right over here.|You sit right down there.
{94288}{94335}There you go.
{94337}{94409}- Thank you.|- Yeah.
{94411}{94543}This is, uh,|quite a shithole, ain't it ?
{94545}{94611}Well, it could be...|if you fixed it up.
{94665}{94735}- Jeanette, you better|take a look at this.|- Okay.
{94737}{94817}- Oh, boy.|- You know, it is really nice of you...
{94819}{94885}to come up here.
{94887}{94980}A million times l wanted|to see you kids, but, uh, well--
{94982}{95079}l mean, your mom,|she told me to stay away.
{95081}{95155}And l had to respect|her wishes.
{95207}{95286}- Can l ask you somethin' ?|- Anything.
{95392}{95500}What happened, Pop ?|l mean, how'd you end up...
{95502}{95601}- like this ?|- You know, life is funny. That's all.
{95603}{95670}l can't tell you|how many times if...
{95672}{95743}Just one little thing|that l needed would've happened,
{95745}{95815}why, everything would've changed,|l'll tell you that.
{95817}{95863}But l don't make excuses.
{95865}{95923}And l don't hold grudges.
{95925}{96004}You and me, we had some good times|together, didn't we ? Huh ?
{96079}{96163}Remember the time we drove|down to Houston for the weekend,
{96165}{96229}and we saw the Astros|and the Dodgers play ?
{96231}{96311}We stayed in a motel.|lt was Just you and me.
{96313}{96391}You hopped from bed to bed.
{96393}{96470}l remember that|Just like it was yesterday.
{96472}{96568}l remember everything you said|and everything you did.
{96603}{96663}- That was Ray, Pop.|- Hmm ?
{96665}{96731}You took Ray to Houston.
{96733}{96829}lt wasn't me. l had to stay home...|with Mom and Marcia.
{96916}{96967}That's right. Ray.
{96969}{97027}Ray was the older one.
{97029}{97077}Still is.
{97134}{97180}Yeah.
{97182}{97261}Well,
{97263}{97322}isn't that something ?
{97324}{97379}Damn the mind !
{97381}{97427}l gotta go, Pop.
{97429}{97524}- l got a thing across town|l gotta get to.|- Sure, son, sure.
{97629}{97683}You know what ?
{97685}{97749}Listen up.|This is my pop. All right ?
{97751}{97809}lf there's anybody out there|that can help him out--
{97811}{97907}- Get him a Job or something--|- l drove a limo for a while.
{97909}{97971}l'll help you out.|l'll mention your business on the air--
{97973}{98019}l don't have a valid license.
{98021}{98101}We'll figure something out,|all right ?
{98145}{98192}- All right.|- Ed.
{98225}{98289}Yeah.
{98291}{98351}l am truly sorry.
{98533}{98612}That's good, Pop.|Sorry's good.
{99761}{99871}As soon as we're perpendicular to|the Earth, l'll start the engines again.
{99873}{99923}What about the disk ?
{100103}{100181}Oh, God. Boy, oh, boy.
{100361}{100435}Hi.
{100437}{100484}Hey.
{100517}{100595}- They're not here.|- How's that ?
{100597}{100663}l snuck out.
{100754}{100807}You wanna take a drive ?
{100809}{100869}- Sure.|- Okay.
{100888}{100938}Now Pop's hustling me for a Job.
{100940}{101043}lt's like my entire family, Shari.|lt's like they're from|their own little galaxy.
{101045}{101111}Every family's crazy.
{101113}{101179}- Yeah, but my--|- No, l mean,
{101181}{101279}if it was my family on TV,
{101281}{101365}oh, my God, l'd have|to kill myself !
{101678}{101795}How about us ?|We're doing all right, aren't we ?
{101845}{101968}l saw that girl come on to you|at The Tonight Show.
{101970}{102028}- Wh-- What girl ?|- That model.
{102103}{102164}Oh, wait a minute.|Shari, that was nothin'.
{102166}{102241}l was leaving, she needed|a ride to the airport,
{102243}{102334}so l offered her a ride.
{102336}{102398}Wait a minute. Hey, hey.
{102520}{102617}l want you... Shari.
{102619}{102692}l don't want anybody else.
{102738}{102784}Really ?
{102786}{102852}Yeah.
{102854}{102901}lt's you l want.
{103101}{103162}lf you call
{103164}{103227}l will answer
{103229}{103279}lf you call
{103373}{103419}lf you court
{103421}{103505}This disaster
{103849}{103900}Dude ! Breasts !
{103902}{103951}Huh ? Where ?
{103953}{104019}Ed, help !
{104021}{104087}Come on, guys.|Don't, don't, don't.
{104089}{104124}Come on !
{104169}{104215}She left ?
{104217}{104333}Yeah. She asked for a transfer|to another city, and she left.
{104335}{104407}l mean, someone put her breasts|on the lnternet.
{104409}{104465}- Oh, Christ !|- She couldn't take it anymore.
{104467}{104591}We have people living in our hallway,|going through our trash, reporters.
{104593}{104697}So, she--|Not even good-bye. Nothin'.
{104699}{104755}Boy, you know,
{104757}{104853}when it starts to go wrong,|there's nothing you can do to stop it.
{104855}{104972}Because l don't think|l could've tried any harder.
{104974}{105034}l don't.
{105036}{105085}Do you ?
{105213}{105259}Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
{105261}{105325}Uh-huh. Huh ?|You see ? You see ?
{105327}{105389}See that ?
{105497}{105551}- Oh, honey, hi.|- What are you doin' ?
{105553}{105623}- l know this might seem unusual.|- How'd you get in my apartment ?
{105625}{105686}l had to be stealthy|about the whole thing.
{105688}{105769}- What is she holding ?|- Ed's underwear.
{105771}{105827}- Get out of my house.|- l can explain everything.
{105829}{105896}Just get !|That's my underwear !
{105898}{105984}l love you, and l want|to marry you, Ed.
{105986}{106076}Watch his face. See ?|Now, that's television. Huh ?
{106078}{106128}All right.
{106130}{106207}Now, where do we go from here ?|Didn't we order lunch an hour ago ?
{106209}{106256}- Yes, Chinese.|- Good, good.
{106258}{106328}What do we have Ed do next ?|Springboards, ideas.
{106330}{106397}- Notions ! Cynthia ?|- We could help him find Shari.
{106399}{106488}No, no, no. Enough of her.|l hate her, audiences hate her.
{106490}{106564}Let's bury her and move on.|Tell him l'll call him back.
{106566}{106663}Excuse me. Do you know, the audience is|requesting a lot of that girl Jill...
{106665}{106724}that he met on The Tonight Show;|she really scored.
{106726}{106792}Let's get her, let's make this happen.|What are we cocking around here for ?
{106794}{106840}Cynthia, do something.|Get on the phone.
{106842}{106904}ls lunch literally coming from China ?|l don't understand it.
{106906}{107031}Remember when you were interviewin' me|and asked me if l had a dream ?
{107033}{107119}And l said, ''Sure, l've got a dream.|l Just don't know what it is yet.''
{107121}{107229}Yeah. Yeah, great line.|Try to work that into the show.
{107261}{107325}Wh-- What if Shari's the dream ?
{107327}{107437}Come on, Ed. You're beating yourself up|for nothing. You knew her history.
{107439}{107540}When the going gets tough,|Shari gets going...
{107542}{107603}as far away as possible.
{107605}{107683}She's one of those ''l'll dump you|before you dump me'' chicks.
{107685}{107770}Yeah. But what if we could get U.P.S.|to tell us where they sent her ?
{107772}{107889}Then l could go visit her, and we could|even move the show there for a while.
{107891}{107956}lf you want this thing|to work with her,
{107958}{108072}the best thing you can do right now|is to give her some space.
{108074}{108151}Maybe even, uh, see other people.
{108153}{108233}Whoa ! What do you mean ?|Like right away ? No.
{108235}{108315}- No, no, l--|- Ed, you're a star.
{108317}{108392}But celebrities like you...
{108394}{108459}or Tom Cruise or whoever,|you have a responsibility.
{108461}{108584}l don't think your fans are gonna be too|thrilled sitting around watching you...
{108586}{108634}have a maJor case|of the ''mopeys.''
{108636}{108689}They've got 200 channels|to choose from.
{108691}{108781}Ed, it's not like|you're giving up Shari.
{108783}{108843}My sister was going|with a guy.
{108845}{108941}They hit a little rough spot,|started seeing other people,|they got back together.
{108943}{109055}Last month they had their third child,|for what it's worth.
{109139}{109184}Twenty-two !|Thirty-two !
{109186}{109278}Two, stay with the quarterback.|One, you got the iso on Ed.
{109313}{109432}He breaks to the inside. Oh, gosh !|l think he's got a step on him !
{109434}{109489}Shecky, have you lost the feed ?
{109491}{109583}- Ed ! Hey, Ed !|- Get up ! You lost the feed !
{109642}{109727}- Hey, Jill. Ow !|- Ooh !
{109729}{109783}What are you doin' to me ?|Look alive !
{109785}{109851}You guys go ahead.|l'll be back... sometime.
{109853}{109909}Ed, where you goin' ?|Let's get the game goin' !
{109911}{109965}- No, it's not.|- lt's a setup.
{109967}{110013}l'm gonna ask Cynthia.
{110015}{110082}Come on ! lt's such a setup.
{110084}{110169}- Did you arrange this ?|- Whose dog is that ?
{110171}{110231}- Out for a walk.|- Walkin' your dog ?
{110233}{110283}- That's your dog.|- What's your dog's name ?
{110285}{110361}Um, Ginger.
{110363}{110427}- Nielsen looks pretty good on TV, huh ?|- Yeah.
{110429}{110475}Hey, man !|Way to go, Ed !
{110477}{110547}- Picture's worth a thousand bucks.|- Oh, yeah !
{110549}{110614}Way to... baboom !
{110616}{110680}Ooh, that's delicious.
{110851}{110909}Smile, baby !
{110957}{111037}- Do you think she likes him ?|- She doesn't give a crap about him.
{111202}{111261}You want us to kiss ? Ed.
{111341}{111403}He should be a model or something.
{111405}{111451}He's gorgeous.
{111675}{111750}Hey, listen, should we, um--
{111860}{111921}Ooh.
{111923}{112028}Oh, geez, it's, uh--
{112030}{112100}Listen, Jill, it's gettin'|kinda late, you know ?
{112102}{112148}- l mean--|- ls he kidding ?
{112150}{112206}What are you doing tomorrow night ?
{112208}{112283}Mm, tomorrow night.|l, um, l got a--
{112285}{112374}l got a thing l gotta--|No, that's not tomorrow night.
{112421}{112543}Well, listen. Why don't you|come around here, and, um...
{112545}{112636}l can make you dinner, and maybe you|could bring a video, and, um--
{112638}{112731}Well, you know,|we can make a night of it. Hmm ?
{113003}{113039}Stay behind the barricade, folks.
{113041}{113089}Go, go, go|Go, go, go
{113091}{113138}Stay behind the barricade.
{113140}{113188}Go, go, go|Go, go, go
{113190}{113273}- Go, go, go, go, go, go|- Holy shit !
{113501}{113573}l'm startin' to feel|a little pressure.
{113575}{113629}- Think he's gonna do it ?|- Hell, yeah.
{113631}{113732}- The guy hasn't had sex in six weeks.|- What, like we have ?
{113734}{113781}- Here we go. Yeah.|- Smile ! Smile !
{113783}{113859}- Great. Let me try them on.|- Sure, sure, sure.
{114045}{114117}We'll park your car for you, Ed.|Save your strength.
{114210}{114296}Go, go, go, go, go|Go, go, go, go,
{114650}{114721}Get out of the way.|Clear the way.
{115051}{115120}Ed ! Ed ! Ed ! Ed !
{115157}{115223}- Hi.|- Hi.
{115305}{115368}Jill ! Jill ! Jill !
{115393}{115465}- Come on in.|- Oh, wow.
{115467}{115545}- Look at you !|- Oh, thanks.
{115547}{115593}Those boobs are so fake.
{115595}{115659}- She's such a slut.|- Total slut.
{115866}{115927}Big, big crowd tonight.
{115929}{115989}l know.|They've been there for hours.
{116131}{116195}- Ed ? Do you want to come|and have a little nibble ?|- Yeah ?
{116197}{116269}Wha--
{116271}{116319}Oh.
{116321}{116380}Yeah. Sure.
{116382}{116429}Hey.
{116431}{116499}Here, baby.
{116501}{116564}- Thought you had a dog.|- Huh ?
{116566}{116639}Oh, no, that was a friend's.|l've Just got lovely lsabella.
{116641}{116740}Hey, baby. Yes, good girl.|Down you go.
{116742}{116793}Good girl.
{116795}{116851}A deeper shade of red
{116853}{116909}On your lips
{116911}{116992}Tryin' to find a way to be loved
{116994}{117122}Without ever givin' in
{117230}{117292}- Wow !|- Oh-ho !
{117421}{117492}- Good ?|- Mmm.
{117494}{117541}Mm-hmm.
{117595}{117674}Careful what you wish for
{117676}{117739}lt Just might come true
{117741}{117811}Might come true
{117813}{117868}Uh, Mr. President ?
{117953}{118062}- lsn't this what you always wanted|- l love her !
{118064}{118128}- Get out of the way !|- l love her ! l love her !
{119494}{119552}Wow !
{119661}{119751}Hot damn !|We are go for sex, people.
{120082}{120171}l love this show, bro.
{120173}{120257}- ls this okay, Cynthia ?|- Don't leave yet.|This is cable. Stay with him.
{120261}{120335}Cynthia, Cynthia !|Will you get over there !
{120577}{120627}Oh, my.
{120965}{121011}Ahh !
{121013}{121056}Oh ! What's he doing ?
{121094}{121160}Ed, you okay ?
{121162}{121231}Ohh, something broke my fall.
{121233}{121292}Ooh !
{121294}{121365}Ooh !
{121422}{121482}Please, let me through.
{121484}{121551}ls it bad ?|ls it bad ?
{121553}{121601}l think she Just broke her leg.
{121657}{121738}- Excuse me.|- My back's a little sore.|l didn't break it.
{121740}{121811}- l can walk.|- We're Just taking you in for an X ray.
{121813}{121912}The thing got the highest ratings.|Higher than the Super Bowl.
{121914}{122041}lt's kind of the same thing.|A big buildup, and then one team|Just can't perform.
{122043}{122136}All that boy did was hurt|that little girl's pussy.
{122138}{122240}- Ooh !|- l'm talkin' about her cat.
{122242}{122373}lf Ed had been a stud, if he had|given a terrific performance that night,
{122375}{122442}the American people|would have loved him, but he failed us.
{122444}{122515}- No, l don't agree.|- He failed us as a man.
{122535}{122595}Look at this.
{122597}{122713}She did not--|She did not break my heart.
{122715}{122820}Look, l understand that l'm|fair game, but Just tell it like it is.
{122822}{122912}She was a hot-lookin' chick.|l get that. l knew the score.
{122914}{122990}''Broke my heart.''|No, you know what Jill did ?
{122992}{123084}Jill went out to L.A. and got one of|those scandal agents that handle...
{123086}{123217}like Joey Buttafuoco,|Kato Kaelin and Gennifer Flowers--
{123445}{123527}Oh, my God, he wrote a book.
{123668}{123737}l mean, he never even|read a book, man.
{123739}{123855}What's your feeling about the meaning,|if any, of Ed TV ?
{123857}{123952}Well, Harry, l-l feel that|Ed is the apotheosis...
{123954}{124008}of a prevailing|American syndrome.
{124010}{124082}lt used to be that people|were famous for being special.
{124084}{124163}Now they're considered special,|uh, merely for being famous.
{124165}{124237}Fame has become a moral good...
{124239}{124313}in this country:|lt's its own virtue.
{124449}{124563}We thought since we had|Ray Pekurny on the panel today,|we'd talk about his book.
{124565}{124639}lt is called|''My Brother Pissed On Me.''
{124689}{124776}ls that a metaphorical title, or did|your brother actually piss on you ?
{124778}{124844}l put-- l put everything in the book.
{124846}{124927}Everything.|All this is in the book.
{124929}{125027}l'll be honest, l have not read|the book because it looks stupid.
{125090}{125155}What ?
{125157}{125268}l'm Just saying maybe we|should start thinking about when|we want to take him off the air.
{125270}{125347}Why ? What are you talking|about, take him off the air ?|He Just got out of the hospital.
{125349}{125395}He's fine. The cat's fine.
{125397}{125458}- The ratings are higher than ever.|- Well, you know,
{125460}{125515}it's like when you're chewing|gum and blowing a bubble.
{125517}{125555}- Good, a metaphor.|- Right.
{125557}{125646}And the bubble keeps getting bigger|and bigger and you've got to decide.
{125648}{125773}When do you suck it in ?|Or if you don't, it explodes|and then you've got gum face.
{125808}{125891}Cynthia, l started out|as an associate producer...
{125893}{125947}on Good Morning Fresno.
{125949}{126064}And l didn't get from there to here by|worrying about getting gum in my face.
{126115}{126173}All l'm saying is,|l think we've peaked.
{126175}{126267}And all l'm saying is, you don't know|your ass from a toboggan.
{126269}{126335}We're gonna stay with|the boy for another month.
{126337}{126389}- You know how l know l'm right ?|- Mm.
{126391}{126500}Because l'm driving the big car,|and you're driving the little car.
{126675}{126755}Look, Ed, you put anybody|on television 16 hours a day,
{126757}{126850}at some point they're going to wind up|rolling off a table and squashing a cat.
{126852}{126923}- Oh, man, that's not my point.|- All right, look.
{126925}{127008}With no privacy, there is no dignity.|Capisce ?
{127010}{127079}Oh, yeah, nice.
{127081}{127211}- Hello. Hello, Mom ?|- Eddie, it's Mom.
{127213}{127279}Eddie, l'm in the hospital.
{127281}{127335}Mom, Mom, what happened ?
{127337}{127401}Eddie, he's dead.
{127403}{127464}He's dead.|He had a heart attack.
{127565}{127659}Did l tell ya he was gonna die ?|Did l say ? Huh ? Come on.
{127760}{127855}Excuse me. l'm looking for my mother.|My name's Ed Pekurny.
{127857}{127951}- Mr. Pekurny, l'm Dr. Geller.|- Hi.
{127953}{128043}Your mother's lying down for a minute.|We gave her something to calm her down.
{128045}{128095}Thank you.|Can l see her ?
{128097}{128166}Uh, why don't you Just give her|a minute ? She'll be right out.
{128168}{128243}Why don't you sit over here|for a second ?
{128245}{128339}What happened to him ?|Did he--
{128341}{128399}Did he suffer any,|or was it quick ?
{128401}{128448}Yeah, it was very quick.
{128450}{128511}Between you and me,|it's not a bad way to go.
{128513}{128592}- How's that ?|- Making love to your wife.
{128594}{128656}lt's very sweet.
{128658}{128752}- They were making love|when he had a heart attack ?|- According to your mother.
{128754}{128841}Eddie, thank God you're here.
{128843}{128899}- How's your mother ?|- Al !
{128901}{128987}-What's going on ? Thought he was dead.|-How'd you get here ?
{128989}{129053}The neighbors drove me over.|The worst goddamn driver--
{129055}{129101}What are you doing here ?
{129103}{129169}- Where's Jeanette ?|- l thought you said he was dead ?
{129171}{129217}- Who ?|- Al !
{129219}{129304}No, no.|The deceased is Henry Pekurny.
{129345}{129397}Good twist.
{129399}{129450}- This is beautiful. l love this !|- What ?
{129452}{129528}Don't you get it ? The mother was|shtupping the ex-husband.
{129575}{129628}You thought it was me ?
{129630}{129676}Yeah, Al.
{129678}{129731}lt was your father, Hank.
{129733}{129869}Your mother went to see him, and he|suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack.
{129871}{129938}Dr. Geller, Dr. Stack|wants to see you.
{129940}{130012}Oh, excuse me.
{130097}{130176}Could l have your autograph ?|lt's for my niece.
{130242}{130308}Al. How did you, uh--
{130310}{130357}The Burkharts drove me over.
{130410}{130507}- Are you all right ?|- l'm fine, l--
{130509}{130570}Good. l gotta pee.
{130572}{130636}Wish me luck.
{130638}{130744}Hey. Hey, uh-- Oh--
{130746}{130801}Mom.
{130953}{131032}Geez. What happened, Mom ?
{131034}{131080}Eddie, it was horrible.
{131082}{131128}- He called me up.|- Who ?
{131130}{131259}Hank. He said he wanted to talk to me.|He wanted to apologize for everything.
{131261}{131349}l went over to this horrible place|where he was staying, and l--
{131351}{131403}l Just felt so sorry for him.
{131405}{131513}- So you had sex with him ?|- What ?
{131515}{131609}The doctor told me you were|having sex. He told me.
{131611}{131665}- To you in front of them ?|- Yeah, Mom.
{131667}{131753}He assumed Hank was your husband.|You know, common sense.
{131755}{131831}- My God ! On TV !|- Mom, why ? How ?
{131833}{131904}One thing led to another.
{131906}{131971}- He was my husband once.|- But Al is your husband now.
{131973}{132035}You think it's been easy|for me all these years ?
{132037}{132083}Al can't have sex !
{132085}{132184}Apparently neither can Hank, Mom.
{132186}{132278}Let's recap this whole thing.|The mother's too good at it, right ?
{132280}{132330}Both brothers stink at it.
{132332}{132415}The stepfather can't do it at all. And|the father did it, but it killed him.
{132417}{132476}How the hell did|this family reproduce ?
{132478}{132555}How did they even get here ?
{132557}{132644}This is worse than all the daily|tabloid television that exists.
{132646}{132713}lsn't the appeal of this show now...
{132715}{132773}that everybody's|got a skeleton in their closet ?
{132775}{132821}But how many skeletons|can one family have ?
{132823}{132879}No, l think our country's saying|we've had enough of this.
{132881}{132964}Let's get back to the way|TV used to be.
{133493}{133540}We are gathered today--
{133778}{133825}How ya doin', boy ?
{133925}{133996}- How was the service ?|- lt was all right.
{133998}{134079}His parole officer said|some lovely words,
{134081}{134151}and once again l was reminded|the end is near.
{134153}{134229}Sorry you couldn't|come in, kiddo,
{134231}{134364}but for some reason, the family feels|they're not comin' off so well on TV.
{134425}{134541}Well... you and Mom are gonna|work things out, aren't ya ?
{134543}{134617}l'm movin' out.
{134619}{134701}- No, Al. What do you mean,|you're moving out ?|- l'm gonna live with my brother.
{134703}{134820}He's not in such good shape as me,|but l'm looking forward|to the pillow fights.
{134845}{134915}Hank.
{134917}{134975}Hank was always good|with the ladies.
{134977}{135027}Always good-lookin'.
{135029}{135113}Hell, he's been dead for two days,|he still looks better than me.
{135115}{135235}l wanna tell you something, Al.
{135237}{135303}You know, Hank, he--
{135449}{135525}You're my father, Al.
{136146}{136214}Take care of yourself, huh ?
{136216}{136273}You know l will.
{136477}{136599}l guess it's when...|you know the head, it's, uh,
{136601}{136647}different.
{136738}{136807}You have done it !|l've had it !
{136809}{136865}Hey, Crockett.|Ease up, man.
{136867}{136939}Ease up ? He Just devoured|my entire Buddy Holly collection !
{136941}{136990}What is it with you ?
{136992}{137077}How would you like it if somebody|chewed up your personal belongings ?
{137079}{137149}See this blanket ?|You see this ?
{137151}{137213}Elvis loves this blanket. lt's|his most favorite thing in the whole--
{137342}{137415}- Three more months ?|- Yeah, absolutely.
{137417}{137517}Ed TV's more popular than ever. The|resurgence in interest is astounding.
{137519}{137587}Of course, this means|another big bonus payment for you.
{137589}{137647}Yeah ! Whoo-hoo !
{137649}{137749}Ed, have you thought about|moving in with your mother ?
{137751}{137860}l mean, she's all alone now.|l'm sure she could use your support.
{138026}{138127}We're not as dumb|as you people think we are.
{138325}{138438}l'm takin' what little dignity|there is left,
{138440}{138493}and l quit.
{138543}{138627}Yeah. Can somebody|validate my parking ?
{138629}{138691}l'm afraid that|that's not possible.
{138693}{138755}- Okay, Mr. Big Network.|l'll pay for it myself.|- No.
{138757}{138805}l mean, you can't quit.
{138807}{138895}The hell l can't.|Look, l Just did.
{138897}{138973}l know, Ed. But, you see,
{138975}{139051}you agreed to stay on the air|as long as we asked you to.
{139053}{139127}The station entered into this|with that understanding.
{139129}{139218}Now, if you had refused|up front,
{139220}{139287}well, we would have done this|with somebody else.
{139289}{139391}You can't Just change the rules|in the middle of the game, son.
{139393}{139439}lt's Just not fair.
{139441}{139517}Listen, if you don't|let me out of this now,
{139519}{139607}l-l-l'm gonna go home,|stick my thumb up my butt,
{139609}{139665}sit on my ass|and not do a damn thing.
{139667}{139726}l won't go anywhere.
{139728}{139800}- What kind of show|does that sound like ?|- Uh, not too good.
{139802}{139919}- No, not too good.|- That's why it states very|specifically in your contract...
{139921}{140009}that if you don't continue|to live a normal life,
{140011}{140107}well, then,|you're in breach, see ?
{140109}{140251}And you're liable for all the station's|financial losses.
{141019}{141069}l'll get this.
{141399}{141445}Autograph, please ?
{142293}{142348}Ed, come on out !
{142557}{142603}Shari.
{142605}{142671}Oh, my God.|Move ! Excuse me !
{142678}{142769}Whoa, whoa !|Shari ! Shari !
{142803}{142859}Watch it. Watch it !
{142861}{142923}Who's got the shot ?|Who's got the shot ?
{142925}{142989}Just give it to me.|Come on, come on.
{142991}{143051}- Come on, he's on the move !|- Go, go, go !
{143235}{143281}We got him ! We got him !
{143283}{143329}Fire it up.|We're rolling.
{143539}{143595}Keep the microwave high, Shecky.
{143721}{143775}- Ahh !|- Come on, Carlos !
{143777}{143871}- Get up ! Get up !|- Come on, he's getting away.
{144299}{144345}Hi. One, please.
{144501}{144551}Excuse me.
{144553}{144607}Hey ! Give me one.
{144637}{144705}- l'm looking for a girl, tall--|- Bad wig ?
{144707}{144777}- Yeah.|- Theater three. Your ticket.
{144909}{144979}- Ohh !|- Watch it ! Watch it !
{145029}{145092}Ohh !
{145094}{145155}Shari, are you okay ?|l'm sorry. Let me see.
{145157}{145200}You okay ?
{145202}{145252}Shari !
{145485}{145534}Shari ?
{145567}{145638}- Shari. lt sounds like you.|- lt's not me.
{145642}{145712}- Well, it's not. Now, go away.|- l thought you moved.
{145714}{145783}l Just came|for my brother's birthday.
{145785}{145888}- ln a disguise ?|- l wanted to see you, but l|didn't want you to see me.
{145890}{145988}Listen to me.|l know why you left.
{145990}{146041}Everyone knows why, Ed.|l told you why.
{146043}{146143}No, you said it was because|of the TV, but l don't believe that.
{146145}{146285}Look at us. We've been with people|before, and it didn't work out.
{146287}{146363}And none of it|was on TV, Shari.
{146365}{146411}None of it.
{146457}{146529}You and me,
{146531}{146582}we've been burned.
{146584}{146655}And we're scared.
{146700}{146769}That's why you left.
{146771}{146853}And that's why...
{146889}{146977}l didn't do a damn thing|to stop ya.
{147113}{147159}Shari ?
{147369}{147417}All right.
{148229}{148301}- Ooh ! Ooh !|- l'm sorry.
{148861}{148911}- Oh, wow.|- Mm.
{148957}{149031}All right, listen.|You stay here.
{149033}{149087}l'm leaving.|These guys are coming with me.
{149089}{149158}l don't know what l'm gonna do,|but l'm gonna figure something out|so we can be together.
{149160}{149217}- Okay ?|- Okay.
{149475}{149523}Let's go, guys.
{149525}{149585}No, Mike. Follow Shari.
{149622}{149669}Mike, Shecky, come on.
{149709}{149809}Mike, Shecky, l'm leaving.|You're supposed to follow me. Let's go.
{150069}{150141}Give him room, people.|Give him room.
{150181}{150268}- Hi, Ed.|- Why the hell are they|still followin' Shari ?
{150270}{150333}lt's their new concept.|Since--
{150335}{150395}Whoa, whoa, whoa.
{150397}{150467}What's going on ?|Why is my family on TV ?
{150469}{150531}Like l was saying,|it's a new concept.
{150533}{150601}Since Shari and your family|all signed releases,
{150603}{150668}we're allowed to follow them on camera|even though you're not with them.
{150670}{150787}So we go with whoever's the most|exciting. And right now, look.
{150789}{150899}See, it's you and--|Oh, me.
{150901}{150968}- You can't do this.|- l'm not a lawyer.
{150970}{151029}l'm Just a guy who eats|three meals a day in this truck.
{151031}{151094}We gotta get them off the air.|This is not part of the deal.
{151096}{151174}l don't give a goddamn.|Make the call, man.
{151176}{151305}- Make the call. Get 'em off.|- Look, Ed, this is--
{151373}{151463}- Ed ! Ed, come on !|- Ed, if you break the truck--
{151465}{151571}lf you break the truck, they'll|charge you for it. They'll have|a new one here in 15 minutes.
{151573}{151641}Ten.
{151643}{151709}Come on, Ed.|This is crazy.
{151711}{151815}Hey, hey.|They got ya, man.
{151817}{151871}Just... go home.
{151873}{151932}Go home, Gomer !
{151971}{152025}Ed, this is crazy.|Come on.
{152291}{152337}You know what ?
{152458}{152505}They're right.
{152549}{152595}This is a great idea.
{152597}{152663}My family is interesting.
{152665}{152712}Hell, look at 'em.
{152754}{152836}But everybody's interesting, right ?
{152838}{152958}l bet you that wacky little group|that owns this network...
{152960}{153006}that l had the meeting with,
{153008}{153085}l bet they're pretty goddamn interesting|too, don't you think ?
{153087}{153175}Huh ? l'll bet they are.
{153338}{153467}Yeah. l oughta loosen up|a little bit, shouldn't l ?
{153469}{153545}Let's have a little fun|with this thing.
{153547}{153667}Let's really blow it out. Let's, let's|have-- Let's have a contest.
{153669}{153727}Who can dig up...
{153729}{153801}the most embarrassing and humiliating|information on any of the executives...
{153803}{153909}of the Northwest Broadcast Company,|which owns this station, True TV.
{153911}{153975}After all, why should anyone...
{153977}{154024}have any privacy, right ?
{154026}{154081}So l want anything...
{154083}{154151}from their past, their present,|business, personal, you name it.
{154153}{154199}lf it's dirty and true,|we want it.
{154201}{154272}Whoever brings the sleaziest|and most degrading...
{154274}{154367}material to me,|l'm gonna pay you...
{154369}{154431}$10,000.
{154433}{154496}Yeah, Eddie !|l love this guy !
{154498}{154555}And tonight at 9:00,|l'll announce...
{154557}{154607}the big winner, all right ?
{154609}{154677}Now, you're gonna need|my home number.
{154679}{154739}Call me anytime.
{154741}{154809}And if you get in right now,|l'm gonna throw in a bonus.
{154811}{154870}You're gonna get a free book|by author Ray Pekurny...
{154872}{154947}titled ''My Brother|Pissed on Me.''
{154949}{155013}All right, America.|Come on, baby. Let's start diggin'.
{155015}{155095}- This is ridiculous.|- How can this be legal ?
{155097}{155168}- lt's defamation. lt's slander.|- Not technically,
{155170}{155240}because he is not showing|reckless disregard for the truth.
{155242}{155295}- Oh, come on !|- What are you saying ?
{155297}{155370}- At 9:00 he can say|whatever he wants about us ?|- That is ridiculous.
{155372}{155435}There has got to be some way|we can shut this hillbilly up.
{155437}{155500}- Hey, l've got a idea.|- What ?
{155502}{155553}Let's not shut him up.
{155555}{155627}Let's get him to push it to Sunday|when the audience is bigger,
{155629}{155723}promote it for the next|five days, really hype it|because it's a rating's grabber,
{155725}{155789}which is all that counts,|so run with it.
{155791}{155853}You were right, l was wrong.
{155855}{155916}See, Ed TV is going|to be bigger than ever.
{155918}{155995}Cynthia, another word|and you may consider yourself fired.
{155997}{156061}Uh-oh.|Can you give me a hint ?
{156063}{156123}What word ?|Um, ''asshole'' ?
{156161}{156249}''Shithead'' ? l bet that--|ls that one word or two ?
{156251}{156313}l never can remember that.
{156315}{156361}''Shithead.'' Anyway, listen.
{156363}{156471}lt has been a real pleasure|workin' for ya. l have loved it.
{156473}{156543}Loved it, loved it,|loved it, loved it, loved it.
{156545}{156581}Loved it !
{156583}{156685}He didn't tip you ?|Maybe you're not hot.
{156687}{156740}Yeah. Uh--
{156742}{156808}l gotta go.|My brother's here.
{157027}{157148}Look, we gotta settle this.
{157229}{157309}Well, all right, man.
{157362}{157481}- They're gonna fight.|- Maybe they'll kill each other.|That's at least an ending.
{157706}{157763}Okay, settled.
{157765}{157816}Yeah, great.
{157818}{157889}- Oh, that's it ?|- What was that ?
{157891}{158005}Some kind of brotherly--|Southern brotherly thing.
{158007}{158077}Here you go. You weren't gonna swing,|were ya ? Were you ready to swing ?
{158079}{158125}l was ready to throw there.
{158127}{158195}You know, good thing l was here.
{158197}{158251}You got all kinds of calls.
{158349}{158427}This is not good.|This is not a good thing.
{158429}{158493}Would 40 of these kill me ?
{158562}{158640}What if we compromised ?|Asked him to stay on two more weeks,
{158642}{158711}and then kick him off.
{158713}{158763}Ah, phone.
{158765}{158856}Here we go. Hello.
{158858}{158919}- ls this Ed ?|- Yes, it is. Who's this ?
{158921}{159000}l've got some information for you.|Better than anything you've got.
{159002}{159039}Okay, l'm here.
{159041}{159151}l got this from one of the secretaries|that works at the network.
{159153}{159220}Got a little blitzed|at the Christmas party.
{159222}{159314}Listen carefully.|l'm only gonna say this once...
{159316}{159389}'cause talking this way|is really hurting my throat.
{159391}{159469}Can anyone see|what he's writing ?
{159471}{159601}''Duck'' ? Did anybody do anything|with a duck ?
{159603}{159687}Jesus ! l'd hate to be stuck|in a foxhole with this group.
{159689}{159771}- There's not a full-grown|pair of testicles among you.|- Uh, sir, l--
{159773}{159860}Whatever little embarrassments|he comes up with, we'll spin it.
{159862}{159959}This guy is gonna stay on TV|until he dies.
{159961}{160027}Relax !
{160082}{160183}Okay. Yes, l got it.|Thank you.
{160231}{160307}- Well ?|- l think we've got a winner.
{160309}{160356}- Uh, Rayford ?|- Ho !
{160358}{160423}- Well, 9:00 yet ?|- 9:01.
{160425}{160493}9:01. Got it. Okay.
{160495}{160579}l don't know how many of you out there|are paying attention right now,
{160581}{160655}but for those of you who are,|l think we Just got the winner.
{160657}{160737}Whoo !
{160824}{160883}How many of you know...
{160885}{160951}what a penile implant is ?
{161129}{161218}As it's explained to me, what happens|is you got two cylinders: one, two.
{161220}{161315}And they are inserted|into the shaft.
{161317}{161369}Oh !
{161371}{161455}Now, to get an erection,|what this man does is...
{161457}{161535}he squeezes his pump,|and it forces a fluid...
{161537}{161601}that goes in the cylinders|into the shaft.
{161665}{161714}Voila, you've got your stiffie.
{161747}{161831}You're good to go.|So, who's this lucky guy ?
{161833}{161929}l mean, who is this true|TV executive who can now get|his Johnson to head north...
{161931}{161973}anytime he wants ?
{161975}{162023}l'm gonna tell you|who the lucky man is right now.
{162025}{162070}- Tell us, brother !|- All right.
{162096}{162139}Here we go.
{162141}{162194}The man of the hour is Mr.--
{162239}{162295}Whoo !
{162313}{162371}True TV regrets to inform|our audience that...
{162373}{162482}due to circumstances beyond our control,|Ed TV will no longer be presented.
{162484}{162536}Whoo !
{162595}{162651}Yeah ! Oh, yeah !
{162653}{162755}- Who's the guy with the phony--|- What do they expect us to do now ?
{162862}{162939}Look, l don't know who|he was talkin' about.
{162941}{163007}l don't even know|whether or not it was true.
{163009}{163109}But he was about to name|one of you, and l'll be damned...
{163111}{163188}if l'll have one of my people|humiliated on public--
{163190}{163290}l mean, not that there's anything to be|embarrassed about, if it's true.
{163292}{163424}The point is, it's a normal|medical-- What the hell are you|lookin' at, you redheaded putz ?
{163503}{163583}Pack it up and go on home now.|Leave me in peace.
{163637}{163667}Don't come back now, you hear ?
{163669}{163732}Well...
{163734}{163815}back to infomercials.
{163817}{163895}- Hey, l'm on TV ! Look at me !|- Hi, Mom !
{164097}{164189}So Ed is no longer on TV.|Sam, how did he make out ?
{164191}{164283}Ed made out like a bandit.|A spokesperson for True TV...
{164285}{164349}announced that Ed received a check|covering his four months on the air,
{164351}{164443}his balloon payment,|and an additional bonus...
{164445}{164539}to show the network's|appreciation for all his, quote,
{164541}{164629}''hard work and loyalty,'' unquote.
{164631}{164719}When asked exactly what happened,|a True TV spokesperson said,
{164721}{164826}they had no official comment,|but that things had been worked out.
{165305}{165434}Okay, let's do a final, uh--|Perhaps say good-bye here to Ed TV.
{165436}{165515}- Have we seen the last of Ed,|do you think ?|- l would think so.
{165517}{165563}Five years, no one|will remember who he is.
{165565}{165672}- Five years ? Six months.|He's a macarena.|- lt's Ed Free TV now.
